Conservatives vs. Liberals: A tongue in cheek side by side comparison

Conservatives tend to be generous with their money: Liberals tend to be generous with other people’s money.

Conservatives believe the government’s role is to protect your God given rights: Liberals believe the government’s role is to allow you to have (some) rights and protect you from the idea of a God (unless you’re Muslim).

Conservatives believe criminals commit violent crime: Liberals believe guns commit violent crime.

Conservatives believe the government depends on a good economy: Liberals believe a good economy depends on the government.

Conservatives believe people know how best to spend their own money: Liberals believe it’s not your money if they can tax it.

Conservatives respect private property: Liberals photograph their “private” property and send it to college girls on Twitter.

Conservatives believe that marriage is a divine partnership: Liberals believe it’s simply a contract between partners.

Conservatives believe a smaller government is the answer: Liberals believe government is the answer.

Conservatives know the effort that goes into making a dollar: Liberals know the effort that goes into taking away $.75 on the dollar.

Conservatives believe we should harvest oil locally to cut gasoline prices: Liberals believe you should buy a smaller car, preferably manufactured by a unionized organization that contributes to the Democratic Party.

Conservatives think: Liberals feel.

Conservatives can balance a checkbook: Liberals see no need, if you get in trouble just ask your neighbors to bail you out.

Conservatives have only themselves to blame: Liberals blame everyone but themselves.

Conservatives believe victims have rights: Liberals believe criminals have more rights.

Conservatives believe in justice: Liberals believe in compassion, unless of course the crime was classified as a “hate crime” then it’s all “fry the bastard” and all that stuff.

Conservatives believe that racism is bad: Liberals believe that racism is good as long as it’s in the form of affirmative action or otherwise discriminatory against any Caucasian male.

Conservatives deal in facts: Liberals deal in emotion.

Conservatives tolerate opposing ideals: Liberals espouse tolerance and attack anyone who disagrees with them (except if your Muslim).

Conservatives think that 9/11 was a vicious attack on our country caused by cowardly terrorists: Liberals believe that 9/11 was in response to something we did to piss them off and we just need more “understanding”.

Conservatives know we have an immigration problem: Liberals know a new potential voting base when they see one.

Conservatives tend to be patriotic: Liberals tend to be pessimistic.

Conservatives tend to be independent thinkers: Liberals tend to fancy themselves as independent thinkers because they’re told they are by their friends who think just like they do.

Conservatives tend to think that abortion is murder: Liberals tend to think that executing a murderer is murder and/or eating meat is murder.

Conservatives believe that loosening revenue and tax cuts will boost economic growth: Liberals believe you can tax yourself into prosperity.

Conservatives like traditional American ideals even if we haven’t always lived by them: Liberals have contempt for those ideals and love pointing out that we haven’t always lived by them.

Conservatives believe in “teaching a man to fish”: Liberals believe in trading fish for votes.

Conservatives read the Constitution with reverence and respect: Liberals read it with a highlighter, a red pen and whiteout handy.

Conservatives believe the Bill of Rights were meant to protect us from unconstitutional actions from the government: Liberals believe the Bill of Rights is more like a list of best practices.

Conservatives believe Socialism in any form cannot work: Liberals believe that the only reason Socialism and Communism hasn’t worked is because the Russians, Chinese, North Koreans, Vietnamese, Cambodians, Cubans, Laotians, Albanians, Angolans, Bulgarians, Czechoslovakians, Ethiopians, Finnish, Germans, Greeks, Grenadians, Mozambicans, Polish, Kampucheans, Hungarians, Romanians, Somalia’s, Yemenis, Yugoslavians, etc. just weren’t as SMART as THEY (the American Liberals) are” and neither are you.