Tactical Tommy Goes to the Store

This story is dedicated to my friend and co-author Bill Caughran, 1st Cav. Division, Vietnam

I used to really be into guns, shooting sports and just anything firearm related.  Well after years of listening to “war stories” in gun shops and reading countless gun oriented magazines I began to develop a taste for the ridiculousness of it all.  I really, really began to enjoy listening to them drone on about how a 12 gauge cocking sound will scare bad guys or that women should only carry revolvers because they can’t learn how to properly use an automatic but my favorite stories were from the tinfoil hat wearing types.  You know, the guys who think the government is out to get them, that the world will end at any moment and everyone else is too stupid to realize it.  These guys could always take the most mundane errand and turn it into a survival story, usually recalling their gear in explicit detail and previous “classified” or “top secret” training they had.  At one point everyone was a former Navy SEAL but once that got comically clichéd they started to tell the stories sans Special Forces names (especially since the danged internet made it too easy to debunk them).  Anyhow a veteran of the Vietnam War named Bill Caughran (who was with the 1^st Cav Division)  and I both found their stories to be hilarious while other people just rolled their eyes and would walk away.  Eventually Bill and I sat down and wrote the following fictional story in honor of those gun shop commandos, mall ninjas and general tactical weirdo’s out there that we couldn’t get enough of. 

It’s been years since I’ve written this and it was originally published on a discussion forum, but I’ve decided to republish it here, in honor of my friend Bill whom I have not seen nor heard from in many years.  This one’s for Bill.

(original title) So there I was....what really happens to tactical "tools" in a fight

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As I was leaving my house I stuffed my Glock 10mm "man gun" Mexican style in my pants. My backup is a fully customized 1911 with all the IPSC add on options in my $500.00 leather pancake holster custom made by Belgian Monks who have devoted their lives to silence and holster making. These are the ones used by SEAL Team 6, which I used to be a part of but all records of my activities were destroyed in a fire "accident".

I put on my Royal Robbins photographer vest to match my pants while wearing a T-Shirt underneath reading "from my cold dead hands", that away nobody can see what I'm packing.

I had my Centennial .38 Special in my ankle holster, just like the gun rag guys carry.

Lastly I had my "Covert Sniper" I.D. Card in my wallet with my "Concealed Weapons Permit Badge". I was ready for anything.

I drove my Bug Out Truck to the 7-11 for some beer, cause you never know. It is a performance styled Subaru BRAT with 4 cylinders of ground pounding fury.

As I pull up to the 7-11 store I notice a nefarious looking girl scout eyeballing me from the back of her mother's SUV, a likely cover.

The mother returned to the truck and went for the keys in her purse, but I knew from my years of combat honed instincts that she was actually making a furtive movement for an offensive weapon.

I attempted a tactical shoulder roll, but fell flat on my face, kind of flopping on the pavement to avoid any incoming rounds and to make look like I meant to do that. The store owner called 911 which is good because I then did a roll and attempted to draw my Glock.

Unfortunately, since I did not have a holster, the gun "went off" and the bullet creased my wiener.  But I was prepared for that and bit down on a 10mm casing to take my mind off the pain as I dove for the garbage barrel. That’s when I noticed the Girl Scout shouting something to her mother who began to take cover. I knew they were closing on me so I drew my custom trusty 1911 Wilson COMBAT....I knew that they would be impressed with that. I then duck walked to the front of her SUV but my gut kinda’ got in the way and I fell on my ass, which caused me to swallow my 10mm casing.

I then tried to roll to my right, but didn't want to scuff my holster so I attempted a mid air conversion and just threw myself into a telephone pole, but I landed on right side anyway. So I fired one shot towards the woman’s SUV to pin them down as I recovered my wind.

And before the mother knew what was happening, I charged her and I threw my groin into her knee. I knew that as I vomited on the ground in front of her that I had interrupted her OODA loop, I had the advantage of surprise now. As she ran screaming for the Girl Scout (I knew she was going for backup) I made for my Super Charged BRAT tactical truck. I jumped into the driver seat forgetting that I had left my rare Israeli contract AR 15 Bayonet on the seat honed to a razors edge. I could handle it though; half my ass is an implant from war wounds. As I attempted to start my truck police and paramedics arrived on the scene. My truck would not start and instead backfired once and caused the police to taser me, at which point I tactically soiled myself while in convulsions. My custom 1911 then fell out the window but I still had my Centennial .38.  I knew that I had to take out the woman with the purse.

So I aimed my revolver at her at which point the first police officer fired once striking me in the chest, fortunately I was wearing my level 3A body armor. I didn't want to hurt the cops, they had obviously been duped by the evil temptress who was now embracing her partner in crime and crying to the police in the background, I knew it was a ruse.

I pulled out my concealed weapons permit badge and showed it to the officer who shot me and yelled out "I'm one of you guys", he continued to cover me and ordered me to drop my .38 so I lay it down, I still had my bayonet embedded in my ass after all. The cop walked toward me and upon reading the badge maced me right in the eyes. Fortunately my Oakley shooting glasses stopped most of the spray and I was able to rip free of the taser cords easily, it only cost me one nipple, easily replaced. I dove for the passenger side of my truck and began to run zig zag for a ditch, unfortunately the bayonet sticking out of my ass slowed me down, I knew it would have to be hand to had now. I knew the cop couldn't take me when I saw he merely carried a 9mm Glock 17 and not a man’s gun. So I immediately threw my eye into his right hook, followed by a knee into his mag light. As I lay thrashing on the ground I took the heel of my Bates enforcer boot and kicked at the cops ankle, I knew that from my classified experiences in Tajikistan that once breaking the ankle, the cop would fall down and I could "stun kick" him in the head, knocking him out but without hurting him.

Apparently the cop had also been to Tajikistan because he side stepped me and struck me in the back with his ASP baton, but my trauma plate absorbed it. I then drew my Benchmade auto knife and was promptly tased again, but I was ready for it this time and only wet myself a little bit.

Next thing those cops knew I was unconscious. That'll teach 'em.